When I was a 15 years old, in late 1979, I started a diary that changed my life. I was a very shy teenager, I had friends, but I was neither popular, nor confident, so I used this medium to vent in good ways and bad ways and it helped me understand myself.
Let’s face it, being a teenager is hard. I see it daily with my 12 year old and he’s not even a teenager yet. My diary changed my life for many reasons; being able to release all my feelings without fear of judgement is huge in my view and much safer than the current overexposure of teenagers using Facebook to vent all their feelings. which could have disastrous and confidence-killing consequences, to say the least.

My student Bus Pass for the school year 1979/1980

My student Bus Pass for the school year 1979/1980 – This ID photo was taken in 1978 when I was 14!

What surprises me til this day, however, is how I would write different “sayings” resembling more little poems than quotes per se to adorn the pages of my diaries. Pearls of wisdom from a much younger version of myself that sometimes leave me speechless. The one that always stuck with me was the one I wrote about “never losing hope”, which is particularly poignant to me these days.

Translated from Italian to English, it goes something like this: “We can never lose hope, because our destiny is in the hands of humans, and humans are unpredictable, so such is destiny: UNPREDICTABLE!”

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We never know about humans. They may surprise us in good and bad ways. Perfect strangers, friends and family, have, over the years, surprised me in every which way, that much is true, and we never know the impact we can have on people, or how much people can despise us for no reason at all. All of it has nothing to do with us per se, truth is in the eye of the beholder. It has everything to do with them and their life experiences. It always warms my heart to know my son’s painful life has made a difference in someone’s life in some way. One new acquaintance told me how he’s been changed since meeting Nicky in such a way he’s now a different person. He must have upset some people in the past if only because one of these people sent me a typed letter in the mail with no return address “warning me” about this individual. People change and while I will keep these warnings in the back of my mind, I know in my heart he was sincere when he wrote me in caring admiration for Nicky. I like to think he’s a changed man as he said he is… because of my son. It brightens my spirit to believe that because it means that my son is changing lives, and that’s something I can take to heart. His life matters.

Sometimes people come into our lives to teach us a lesson in love, however, some people will use us for their own growth, and it’s all good. The unpredictability element comes into play when we are trying to choose friends that will stick with us through thick and thin. That is the real test of a friendship, because a real friendship is a 50/50 preposition where we can be there for each other in the good times and the bad. I’ve been very lucky to have had amazing friends in my life, two of which have already passed, passed in their 30s nonetheless, which was heartbreaking. At the end of the day it all has to do with compatibility and understanding, showing mutual empathy. Friendships can be hard and friends may come and go. We may have lots in common or hardly anything. Through it all there has to be some kind of connection, some kind of soul link, which can be hard to recognize at times.

A few months ago someone I thought was my friend “unfriended” me on facebook. When I asked her why, she ignored me. When I asked her again a few weeks ago, she seemed “bothered” that she had to answer me, she then stated in a callous way that I hadn’t “liked” anything that she had posted recently, so despite the fact that I had sent her a care package just a few months prior (which she never thanked me for nor acknowledged she received), the fact that I hadn’t “liked” any of her posts to her was an “unfriending” worthy offense. WOW. What a sad and cowardly way to end a friendship… and I will leave it at that.
On the other side of the coin, a perfect stranger and amazing human being in my view, was so moved by the story of my son after she read my book “Butterfly Child” that she fulfilled the entire wish list he had on Amazon. I was speechless, warmed by the realization that there are indeed still good people out there. More than good actually. There is hope for humanity. Hope that a cure may come for Nicky, hope that even if it doesn’t, that things may work-out in the most peaceful way for him, and that I may survive what may very well be the inevitable with the help of true friends and of course, family.

I must look to the future with hope because the future is truly UNPREDICTABLE!

Love & Light,

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