One of the big differences I noticed between the me before I was a mom (and a special need mom at that) and after is how I started isolating myself. And how I find myself still doing it. Aside calling my parents once a week, I never call anyone. Ever. Oh yes, I return texts (my favorite mode of communication), but aside that… calling… ugh. It’s like pulling teeth. I dread it like nothing else.
I didn’t start to isolate myself willingly, it was a process. At first it was others who would say the most insensitive things to me, leading me to not wanting to call or email them. Not having anyone to talk to that could understand what I was going through was the hardest thing for me to deal with at the time. Until I got used to it, I kept it all inside, then I would blow up when I couldn’t stand it anymore-I would cry myself to sleep, scream at the Doctor to help me, I would throw ice at the wall in the backyard, anything and everything to blow off steam, because no one understood. So, I learned to isolate myself. Better to write in my diary how awful I felt, than be ridiculed and put down. Yes, because I am one of those “crazy” people who stands up and defends herself and her children, and that has given me a few enemies. But you know, even Winston Churchill famously said: “You have enemies? Good. That means you’ve stood up for something, sometime in your life.”
It took a while for me to learn to ignore snarky or insensitive comments, which led me to distance myself from people in general from the very beginning. I am still distancing myself particularly from those who treat me or my children as second class citizens because of our struggles. If I don’t want negativity thrown at me, I need to steer clear from that individual and I will continue to do so. This is also one of the reason why I ended up living in the United States, to steer clear from one of my relatives, who treated me like garbage since I was a child, throwing sarcastic comments my way all my life. At the time I thought it was me. There was something wrong with me. Even when I was as young as 5, she would give me a snarky comment, even insults, plummeting my self-esteem down the toilet. Then there was the famous trip I was basically forced to take with her when I was a teenager and that sealed the deal. No more. I was done. Finito. I wanted to stay as far away from her as humanly possible. I started wondering if she ever said anything positive, nice or kind toward me and I could not think of one single thing. It was only later-much later-that I realized she treated many people the same awful way she treated me. First my little sister (oh, the stories she told me!), and now both my nieces. One of them told me some horrid stories just recently, with the other one, however, I saw with my own two eyes the troublesome confrontation. Honestly, nobody deserves to be talked to the way I witnessed her talk to my 14 year old niece. I was floored. I was compelled to go hug my niece and spent a good hour holding her in my arms, talking to her, letting her know she was beautiful and not let anyone tell her otherwise. I cried inside when talking to her because I remember vividly being talked to that way too. When I confronted this relative about her judgemental ways once, she stated she does not have judgements, only “observations”. Hmmm… I don’t think so, having been at the receiving end of her “observations” for half a century. I have mixed feelings about this person, she can be so kind and generous and yet… ugh. I find interesting how she can be so incredibly kind towards certain people in our family and then… I suppose she has her favorites. It’s sad, really.
I am far away so she can’t get to me anymore, but Please God, help my nieces. I beg you.
I still don’t know what I could do to de-isolate myself or even if I should. I find myself to be such a more tranquil person when I don’t have to deal with judgements or attitudes. My journey into motherhood has been so unique that very few precious moms I met along this rocky road can truly understand me, and I am not sure if I care a whole lot if people understand me anymore anyways. I just don’t want to be judged. I just want and need kindness. That is all.
Throw kindness around like confetti! Not to just me, but everyone you meet.
Love & Light,