After I lost Alex at full term 20 years ago, the one thing I could not do is watch anything “dramatic” on TV or the movies. “ER” was popular back then and I avoided it like the plague. 20 years later, Medical Dramas are still hard for me to watch. I was crying so much at the time that I realized that I needed to laugh, I needed to do things that would make me smile and forget, even for a moment, all that I was going through. So, TV shows like “Friends” & “Frasier” became my salvation.
A few weeks ago I had a great conversation with a new friend and once he found out that not only I had Nicky to care for, I also lost a baby at birth and our family also struggled through my husband’s health issues… he looked at me startled.
“How are you still smiling?” he asked me.
I admit I didn’t know how to answer.
“Because I don’t want to cry” is what I told him, but the truth is that I learned over the years to always look for a silver lining and put things into perspective. A lot about life revolves around not what happens to us, but how we deal with it. I decided I was going to deal with it by trying to keep positive. Not an easy thing. I failed a lot in this endeavour over the years, but I always strived to achieve it. Even on the days that I got angry and mad and screamed and shouted about how hurt I was, I always decided to forgive myself, learn from my mistakes, apologize if I could, and move on. I am not perfect. Nobody is. I was on a journey, and I still am.
The best way for me to be positive, is to suspend my belief. When you suspend your belief system, you allow yourself to escape, whether it’s into fantasy or daydream or even into problem solving, you have to suspend that moment unattached to anything within your life. I found that that’s when I smiled the biggest. I dream. I dream of the day when I will see Nicky running or cooking me dinner since that’s his dream. Fantasy? Perhaps. But it helps me smile.
You know that saying… “Life is a journey, not a destination”? It’s true. We’re all on a journey. We learn every day.
Love & Light,