Blog · January 3, 2017

I Need Something New

So, 2017 is upon us and we’re back to the usual routines. I was looking at my calendar for upcoming appointments and I noticed I have one with my Psychiatrist on Monday as I do once every 3 months to update my anti-depressant meds and I thought that maybe this time I might take him up on talking to the therapist as he suggested if I ever felt the need to.

Why? I am not really sure. On one hand I feel fine, on the other, I feel as if I am losing the “jest” for life. This was the first Christmas that I took forever to put up the Christmas tree or the nativity scene… I didn’t even sent all my Christmas Cards out. I barely took any photos at all and for the first time, “New Year” came with a dread instead of celebration. I feel like my sense of excitement about life has left the building, and I don’t like the new me at all. I was thinking of taking up something “new”. Perhaps piano lessons? I don’t know. Something “new” is in order, but I don’t know what that is.

What I wonder is that if this is what normally happens as someone ages, or if I am putting up pretences. Am I really okay overall or am I just dreading each day? Sure, I take care of my family and I take care of myself, try to enjoy each day, but has it all become routine? Is this what my life will be like for the foreseeable future? Same thing, different day?

My worries with my new state of mind reflect my family so I am doubly sensitive about things and how I feel. I see other families have joyous celebrations and I am stuck in my drum-drum. How is my lack of vigor affecting them?

A couple of months ago I was talking to my 13 year old and he was telling me he does not remember our visit to Disneyland/California Adventure when he was 6, shortly before his dad had his crippling stroke, at all. A new visit was in order. My first “exciting” thought was to go again this summer or for spring break, and then I am reminded of how much work it is to bring the whole family to any park and hotel. It’s so much work that I forget to have fun. As a matter of fact it’s not fun at all, at least for me. Yes, we take pics of us smiling, and that’s a big lie. But how can I just go to the park with Connor and leave the rest of the family home? You see my quandary? The guilt never ends.

Let’s face it. Life with family members that are disabled is limiting. We don’t want to exclude them, so we don’t do much we would love to do.  Long-term illness brings challenging hurdles to the whole family. It affects many lives, I would love to solely focus on what is right, all the love we share and cherish the many great memories we had over the years, but at times it seems like Everest would be easier to climb. So, I pretend. I try not to think about it. I do things that make me forget or distract me, always.

Truly, the only thing that I would want right now is to be with my family. Meaningful connections are the answer, but they are too far away. In a few years, with luck and mega-planning, things can change.

So, in the end I have things to look forward to, and that’s not a bad thing. Afterall there is a great quote that said that the grand essentials to happiness are:

Something to do

Someone to love

Something to look forward to

Love & Light,