Blog · December 26, 2015

I Feel Ya, George

8b85dc413b9ef99ebffe6891fda94d29Even as a child, “It’s a Wonderful Life” touched me in ways hard for me to even comprehend; I didn’t yet have the life experiences to understand the emotions over struggles George and many of us go through. This is why this movie resonates nearly 70 years after its release.

How many of us have had broken dreams? A loved one die? Career Dreams shattered? Bad Luck? Financial hardships? Discouragement? Watching others do things we can only wish we could do?

As an adult I can wholeheartedly relate. Broken dreams? Check. Career Dreams shattered? Check. Financial hardships? Double Check. Bad Luck? Triple Check. Watching others do things I can only wish I could do? Quadruple Check. Discouragement? I could check that 100 times.

Unlike George’s business, which helped his town immensely and more than he ever thought he did, my contribution is to my family. Sure, I would like to think I am making “some” difference by spreading EB awareness, but I doubt that without me there would be that much of a difference. Yet, amidst some criticism, I keep going. It’s my hope that by sharing my experiences I may be able to help others who are struggles and be their voice. But. Whatever. It’s what I do. I have nothing else to accomplish other than taking care of my family.

I was watching this movie (I am including the clip below…) and the part where Meg Ryan talks about her life resonated with me in ways I had yet to see on the silver screen.

“There is the perception that because I don’t have a job or I’m not in school, that I’m sitting around doing nothing, which is ridiculous. “
I do think about it and so I’m touchy. But maybe I could be doing more. God, I just don’t wanna look back on my life and wonder what part of it belonged to me.”

Last week I had a mini-meltdown. I was taking Connor with me to do some errands and out of nowhere I started crying in the car blurting out things like “I am worthless”. I didn’t feel brave, nor strong. I was scared, worried, panicky. Sometimes I feel like running away or that I can’t keep going.

I wish so much I had a great job, like the one I had to abandon when I had Nicky so I could contribute to the family more. Special Need kids are expensive, yet the families make even less because one of the parents has to stay home to take care of them. So, I feel people think I am a moocher because I have to rely on the state, yet it’s not like I am getting rich off it or anything. How embarrassing is it to be 51 years old and still earning what I was earning 20 years ago when I was just starting my career? Not to mention the cost of life has gone up substantially. But who is going to take care of Nicky if I don’t? He can’t be left alone more than a couple of hours at a time. He’s completely dependent on me! It’s not like I have a choice. There is no choice to be made.

Of course Connor was the sweetest self. He told me how important I was to Nicky, to daddy and to him. But what part of my life really belongs to me? Maybe none, and it’s okay. I wish I knew what I was supposed to do (if anything) to feel like I am living for something.

I need Clarence to pay me a visit and show me.