October is Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Month

I can’t let October go by without posting at least “something” regarding either my experience with Pregnancy Loss or at the very least offer my thoughts on the matter either on how I feel more than 2 decades after my loss or the state of Awareness. Am I and are we moving forward? My answer is YES. The other night I was watching this show called “This is us” and this is the clip that sent me over the edge….: I was a mess. A total and complete mess. Even after the show ended I could not stop sobbing. My 13 year old son Connor came up to me a little while later, and not knowing what IRead More

I Will Never “Get Over It”

As many bereaved moms know, the grief over the loss of our children is not something we can ever “let go”, “get over”, or “forget about it”. We understand that it may be uncomfortable for people when we mention their name, but the wrong response to hearing our child’s name is not one of these somewhat canned statements that pretty much tell us to stop talking about it. I could not forget holding my dead newborn if I tried, so to tell me his life was so unimportant that he should be forgotten it’s a horrible thing to say, no matter how well meaning or kind you tried to be while saying. It cannot be done, plain and simple.Read More

Channeling Alex

As I said in my previous blog, my favorite show, Outlander, was going to have an episode about a stillbirth. I was looking forward to it because to date, no regular TV show in 21 years had tackled this particular loss properly in my view. There have been movies, or even short movies about it that have been good, even great, but no episodic television ever tackled this in a poignant way and with the attention that it frankly deserves. 100 babies are stillborn every single day in the United States alone! Can these babies and their mothers get some respect? They did in this episode, and it was fantastic. Amazing. Breathtaking. Caitriona Balfe totally nailed it. AndRead More

The Deafening Silence

I came across a short movie (23 minutes) the other day, produced by a UK charity called “Abigail Footsteps” called “The Deafening Silence” and I just cannot get it out of my head. I’ve seen other movies depicting… or trying to… show the emotion and devastation of stillbirth, and while they were mostly good, this one, in my humble view, is the BEST of the BEST. Of course, I am biased. You see, this particular movie, despite being filmed in a different country, depicts almost exactly my experience. There is so much in this movie I could relate to, it left me kind of speechless. With the sole exception of minor details, such as my mom being with me when theRead More

Alex’s Video

I made this video for my online “baby loss” support group 20 years ago. We all made videos to “swap around” with other grieving moms to help each other out. I put the highlights of my pregnancy with Alex, the delivery and the funeral and I put it to music. I am still not sure how I did that without a computer, but, alas. I’ve always been resourceful. That tape has been sitting around for 20 years and I never watched it again. Now that I am in the process of digitizing all sorts of VHS tapes for posterity I came across it and yesterday I was strong enough to do it. I still had to look awayRead More

Nicky’s Big Brother

I don’t talk much about Nicky’s big brother Alex in this blog. Alex is my first baby that was stillborn at full term in March 1995. I may not talk about him, but he’s always on my mind. His loss is something I will carry with me forever. His absence is felt, yet his presence is felt as well. It’s hard to really explain what your heart knows without a shadow of a doubt. I know a lot of people have doubts about the “afterlife”. Do our spirits survive physical death? What happens when we die? Most people do believe in heaven, but have a hard time believing in ghosts and supernatural things. It’s understandable. It’s creepy. ButRead More

Losing Alex now an Audiobook!!

My heartfelt book, Losing Alex, which I wrote after the loss of my first baby, Alex, who was stillborn at full term, is now officially an AudioBook and I couldn’t be more proud and humbled by the amazing voice of Marsha Waterbury, for lending her talents for my story. It’s available on Audible at this link. It’s also available on Amazon at this link. It is an Audible/Amazon exclusive, so it’s not available anywhere else. Thank you SO MUCH for your support and I do hope my story helps another bereaved mom out there… Remember, October is SIDS, Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. Love and Light,   Post Views: 66

New Giveaway for My Book “Butterfly Child”

My new giveaway for my book “Butterfly Child” is now live! Enter for a chance to one 1 of 2 Autographed copies! Autographed by both Nicky and I nonetheless!! Here’s the link! –> https://www.goodreads.com/giveaway/show/150684-butterfly-child Thank you so much for your support… and if you have already a copy, please consider leaving a review! Much love <3 Post Views: 55

October 15th – Worldwide’s Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day

I know it seems as if maybe I talk about Alex too much, after all he was in my life only 9 months, all spent inside of me, but how precious is that thought anyway? Alex’s entire life was spent underneath my heart. I felt every kick, cherished every movement. I spent 9 months day dreaming of my baby, my first baby nonetheless. I had been wanting a baby forever. And then the unexpected happened, and nobody wanted to talk about it. I think if I had been allowed to talk freely about Alex back then I would possibly be healed in a probably healthier way now, alas, I still feel I am in a good place atRead More

My Gift To You

Happy Mother’s Day everyone! In honor of all Mothers who had to give their children back, and as my way of paying it forward and my gift to all of you, I am offering my book ‘Losing Alex’ for the kindle for FREE for a few days. Here’s the Link —> Losing Alex <— (or you can click on the cover image) If you do not have a kindle it’s OK, there are free kindle reading apps for smartphones, tablets, PCs/Macs and even a free kindle reader app for your browser. http://www.amazon.com/gp/feature.html?docId=1000493771 Love & Light and Happy Mother’s Day! Post Views: 33

Babies are not supposed to die. End of story.

Ever since that dreadful, beautiful day where I held and lost my son, I felt a strong need to keep his memory alive. This was not an easy task. It was easier at first. People sent beautiful sympathy cards, flowers. Being part of a support group and speaking with other parents helped, but after having Nicky and all that his tough life entailed living with EB, it became rare. Nobody would EVER say his name nor bring him up in conversation, it was all very uncomfortable and weary. Such an unspeakable loss, unspeakable because nobody wanted to speak about it. Which is what prompted me to break the silence. That is why I wrote his story. Even before Nicky wasRead More

Losing Alex

My new book is finally out and I could not be prouder! This is truly a labor of love. Alexander Luciano “Alex” was stillborn at full term, on March 1st, 1995 @ 4:29 AM.  He actually died the day before he was due, on February 25th, 1995. He weighed 5 lb 13 oz and was 19.5 in long. At the time we were told that he died of a cord accident, but after his little brother was born with a skin disorder called Epidermolysis Bullosa (EB) it is very likely he had the same thing too. EB could have played a major part in his demise. There are no words that can accurately explain what it feels like toRead More