October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, yet stillbirth is still one of the last taboos. The Dictionary defines “stillbirth” as the birth of an infant that has died in the womb (strictly, after having survived through at least the first 28 weeks of pregnancy, earlier instances being regarded as abortion or miscarriage). Somehow, at large, stillbirth is still not considered as the loss of a child. To anyone who has not had personal experience, it can be all too easy to underestimate the impact and the significance. Somehow it does not to count to others. Speaking from personal experience, the death of a baby before birth is no less a death than the death of any other human being. A baby who dies before he or she is born is no less loved and cherished. Like my grandma, who had a stillborn baby girl in the 1940s and talkedRead More →

I am not sure I mentioned lately how much I absolutely love and adore my husband. He actually has a reminder on his phone to “comfort me” at this time of year. And he does. His strong hugs are so helpful to me I am not sure he knows how much. Yes, I know, it’s been a long time. 23 years is a very long time. I am sure there are some out there, surely those that have never lost a child, that wonder “how long” this kind of grief lasts. Grief is a wild animal. We are all very familiar with losing grandparents or “older” relatives, we sort of expect it. I haven’t lost my parents yet, but I am sure I will be a total mess when I do. I know I will outlive them, I’ve always known it. I know that loss will be coming at someRead More →

I can’t let October go by without posting at least “something” regarding either my experience with Pregnancy Loss or at the very least offer my thoughts on the matter either on how I feel more than 2 decades after my loss or the state of Awareness. Am I and are we moving forward? My answer is YES. The other night I was watching this show called “This is us” and this is the clip that sent me over the edge….: I was a mess. A total and complete mess. Even after the show ended I could not stop sobbing. My 13 year old son Connor came up to me a little while later, and not knowing what I was crying about, started talking about Alex. He hugged me and told me it was okay, Alex was okay etc. When I asked him how he “knew” that’s what I was cryingRead More →

As many bereaved moms know, the grief over the loss of our children is not something we can ever “let go”, “get over”, or “forget about it”. We understand that it may be uncomfortable for people when we mention their name, but the wrong response to hearing our child’s name is not one of these somewhat canned statements that pretty much tell us to stop talking about it. I could not forget holding my dead newborn if I tried, so to tell me his life was so unimportant that he should be forgotten it’s a horrible thing to say, no matter how well meaning or kind you tried to be while saying. It cannot be done, plain and simple. The truth is, this was not a minor event in my life. I did not lose a fish, or a precious handbag. My favorite piece of clothing did not get ripped. My diamondRead More →

As I said in my previous blog, my favorite show, Outlander, was going to have an episode about a stillbirth. I was looking forward to it because to date, no regular TV show in 21 years had tackled this particular loss properly in my view. There have been movies, or even short movies about it that have been good, even great, but no episodic television ever tackled this in a poignant way and with the attention that it frankly deserves. 100 babies are stillborn every single day in the United States alone! Can these babies and their mothers get some respect? They did in this episode, and it was fantastic. Amazing. Breathtaking. Caitriona Balfe totally nailed it. And I loved how she described the baby to Jamie… “She was beautiful, so small, I could cup her head in the palm of my hand. Her ears stuck out just a little.Read More →

I came across a short movie (23 minutes) the other day, produced by a UK charity called “Abigail Footsteps” called “The Deafening Silence” and I just cannot get it out of my head. I’ve seen other movies depicting… or trying to… show the emotion and devastation of stillbirth, and while they were mostly good, this one, in my humble view, is the BEST of the BEST. Of course, I am biased. You see, this particular movie, despite being filmed in a different country, depicts almost exactly my experience. There is so much in this movie I could relate to, it left me kind of speechless. With the sole exception of minor details, such as my mom being with me when the Doctor could not find the heartbeat rather than my husband, everything else was spot on. I was Louise. The Nurses were super-kind like hers were, the Doctor also did not say the wordRead More →

I made this video for my online “baby loss” support group 20 years ago. We all made videos to “swap around” with other grieving moms to help each other out. I put the highlights of my pregnancy with Alex, the delivery and the funeral and I put it to music. I am still not sure how I did that without a computer, but, alas. I’ve always been resourceful. That tape has been sitting around for 20 years and I never watched it again. Now that I am in the process of digitizing all sorts of VHS tapes for posterity I came across it and yesterday I was strong enough to do it. I still had to look away at some parts. I feel a lump in my throat that I can’t quite describe. It is what it is. I made this video public for the time being, but I knowRead More →

I don’t talk much about Nicky’s big brother Alex in this blog. Alex is my first baby that was stillborn at full term in March 1995. I may not talk about him, but he’s always on my mind. His loss is something I will carry with me forever. His absence is felt, yet his presence is felt as well. It’s hard to really explain what your heart knows without a shadow of a doubt. I know a lot of people have doubts about the “afterlife”. Do our spirits survive physical death? What happens when we die? Most people do believe in heaven, but have a hard time believing in ghosts and supernatural things. It’s understandable. It’s creepy. But if Alex’s death has taught me anything is that our energy, our soul, survives. Too many things happened since his death that cannot be readily explained and are a little too coincidental.Read More →

My heartfelt book, Losing Alex, which I wrote after the loss of my first baby, Alex, who was stillborn at full term, is now officially an AudioBook and I couldn’t be more proud and humbled by the amazing voice of Marsha Waterbury, for lending her talents for my story. It’s available on Audible at this link. It’s also available on Amazon at this link. It is an Audible/Amazon exclusive, so it’s not available anywhere else. Thank you SO MUCH for your support and I do hope my story helps another bereaved mom out there… Remember, October is SIDS, Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. Love and Light,   Post Views: 684Read More →