Blog · April 15, 2016

The Deafening Silence

I came across a short movie (23 minutes) the other day, produced by a UK charity called “Abigail Footsteps” called “The Deafening Silence” and I just cannot get it out of my head.

I’ve seen other movies depicting… or trying to… show the emotion and devastation of stillbirth, and while they were mostly good, this one, in my humble view, is the BEST of the BEST. Of course, I am biased. You see, this particular movie, despite being filmed in a different country, depicts almost exactly my experience.

There is so much in this movie I could relate to, it left me kind of speechless. With the sole exception of minor details, such as my mom being with me when the Doctor could not find the heartbeat rather than my husband, everything else was spot on. I was Louise. The Nurses were super-kind like hers were, the Doctor also did not say the word “dead” (only stating there was no “heartbeat” and he was “sorry”), I was also inexplicably “sent home” after the devastating news, I also wanted a c-section initially and I also was unsure about wanting to see the baby at birth-but later was happy I did.

The scene where she was cringing about seeing the baby truly struck a chord with me. While during labor in the hospital I was sure about wanting to hold and say goodbye to Alex, when the moment came, I was afraid. I don’t know what I was afraid of, but it was a very clear, real fear. This is most likely why the Nurse took special care to show me how perfect Alex was. “Look at this perfect foot” she stated… “look at that cute nose” and more. We even opened his eyes to see what color they were-brown like his daddy (unlike Nicky & Connor who have my blue eyes). I wasn’t sure if to smile, cry or what. Women are a swirl of emotions as it is and my husband often tells me how on earth we live longer knowing how conflicted we are inside all the time. We are. We are emotional bags and this sort of experience is like a tornado of emotions. Forget tornado, how about a category 5 Hurricane?

The Nurse showing me Alex's perfect little foot.

The Nurse showing me Alex’s perfect little foot.

The scene at the end where the hospital gave Louise a box of memories for the baby was very sweet as well. While I wasn’t given a box exactly (I bought the one below afterwards), I was given a beautiful large cloth and lace envelope that contained his outfit, a lock of his hair (unlike Nicky & Connor-who were born bald, Alex had hair!) and many other things.

My "angel" box

My “angel” box

Of course the title “The Deafening Silence” is meant to express the silent moment of the birth of these babies. No cries, just silence.

My whole story of Alex is in my book, available on Amazon for the kindle, paperback and even audio. Below is the movie.

Love & Light,