As I said in my previous blog, my favorite show, Outlander, was going to have an episode about a stillbirth. I was looking forward to it because to date, no regular TV show in 21 years had tackled this particular loss properly in my view. There have been movies, or even short movies about it that have been good, even great, but no episodic television ever tackled this in a poignant way and with the attention that it frankly deserves. 100 babies are stillborn every single day in the United States alone! Can these babies and their mothers get some respect? They did in this episode, and it was fantastic. Amazing. Breathtaking. Caitriona Balfe totally nailed it. And I loved how she described the baby to Jamie… “She was beautiful, so small, I could cup her head in the palm of my hand. Her ears stuck out just a little.Read More →

I came across a short movie (23 minutes) the other day, produced by a UK charity called “Abigail Footsteps” called “The Deafening Silence” and I just cannot get it out of my head. I’ve seen other movies depicting… or trying to… show the emotion and devastation of stillbirth, and while they were mostly good, this one, in my humble view, is the BEST of the BEST. Of course, I am biased. You see, this particular movie, despite being filmed in a different country, depicts almost exactly my experience. There is so much in this movie I could relate to, it left me kind of speechless. With the sole exception of minor details, such as my mom being with me when the Doctor could not find the heartbeat rather than my husband, everything else was spot on. I was Louise. The Nurses were super-kind like hers were, the Doctor also did not say the wordRead More →

I made this video for my online “baby loss” support group 20 years ago. We all made videos to “swap around” with other grieving moms to help each other out. I put the highlights of my pregnancy with Alex, the delivery and the funeral and I put it to music. I am still not sure how I did that without a computer, but, alas. I’ve always been resourceful. That tape has been sitting around for 20 years and I never watched it again. Now that I am in the process of digitizing all sorts of VHS tapes for posterity I came across it and yesterday I was strong enough to do it. I still had to look away at some parts. I feel a lump in my throat that I can’t quite describe. It is what it is. I made this video public for the time being, but I knowRead More →

Twenty-one years ago the unthinkable happened to me. I was 9 months pregnant and on the day that I was due, I just couldn’t feel the baby move at all. The following morning, at the Doctor’s office, I was given the devastating news that there was no heartbeat. The baby had died inside of me. “Fetal Demise”, they called it, although I challenge any mom 9 months pregnant to think of her baby as a “fetus”. We named our baby Alexander and buried him about a week later amongst grief that is hard for me to even comprehend, let alone explain. Alex became part of our everyday life. I have photos throughout our house of him or of me holding him. There is an artist rendition on my wall. His actual foot and hand prints are hanging near family photos. There are tons of angels everywhere, even an angel “christmas tree”Read More →

My heartfelt book, Losing Alex, which I wrote after the loss of my first baby, Alex, who was stillborn at full term, is now officially an AudioBook and I couldn’t be more proud and humbled by the amazing voice of Marsha Waterbury, for lending her talents for my story. It’s available on Audible at this link. It’s also available on Amazon at this link. It is an Audible/Amazon exclusive, so it’s not available anywhere else. Thank you SO MUCH for your support and I do hope my story helps another bereaved mom out there… Remember, October is SIDS, Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. Love and Light,   Post Views: 1,112Read More →

I know it seems as if maybe I talk about Alex too much, after all he was in my life only 9 months, all spent inside of me, but how precious is that thought anyway? Alex’s entire life was spent underneath my heart. I felt every kick, cherished every movement. I spent 9 months day dreaming of my baby, my first baby nonetheless. I had been wanting a baby forever. And then the unexpected happened, and nobody wanted to talk about it. I think if I had been allowed to talk freely about Alex back then I would possibly be healed in a probably healthier way now, alas, I still feel I am in a good place at this point, and the thought that there is a day in the year that I feel I CAN talk about him means the world to me. While I do think we’ve madeRead More →

Happy Mother’s Day everyone! In honor of all Mothers who had to give their children back, and as my way of paying it forward and my gift to all of you, I am offering my book ‘Losing Alex’ for the kindle for FREE for a few days. Here’s the Link —> Losing Alex <— (or you can click on the cover image) If you do not have a kindle it’s OK, there are free kindle reading apps for smartphones, tablets, PCs/Macs and even a free kindle reader app for your browser. http://www.amazon.com/gp/feature.html?docId=1000493771 Love & Light and Happy Mother’s Day! Post Views: 1,297Read More →

Ever since that dreadful, beautiful day where I held and lost my son, I felt a strong need to keep his memory alive. This was not an easy task. It was easier at first. People sent beautiful sympathy cards, flowers. Being part of a support group and speaking with other parents helped, but after having Nicky and all that his tough life entailed living with EB, it became rare. Nobody would EVER say his name nor bring him up in conversation, it was all very uncomfortable and weary. Such an unspeakable loss, unspeakable because nobody wanted to speak about it. Which is what prompted me to break the silence. That is why I wrote his story. Even before Nicky was born, there were times where I felt my strength was tested over and over again. Free baby photos, free baby coupons, free baby magazines would continue to flow. The baby section at the storeRead More →

My new book is finally out and I could not be prouder! This is truly a labor of love. Alexander Luciano “Alex” was stillborn at full term, on March 1st, 1995 @ 4:29 AM.  He actually died the day before he was due, on February 25th, 1995. He weighed 5 lb 13 oz and was 19.5 in long. At the time we were told that he died of a cord accident, but after his little brother was born with a skin disorder called Epidermolysis Bullosa (EB) it is very likely he had the same thing too. EB could have played a major part in his demise. There are no words that can accurately explain what it feels like to hold your dead newborn. It’s like a stake through your heart. We’ll never forget the wonderful treatment we were offered by the nurses and staff at “Desert Samaritan Hospital” in Mesa AZ. TheyRead More →