I am not sure I mentioned lately how much I absolutely love and adore my husband. He actually has a reminder on his phone to “comfort me” at this time of year. And he does. His strong hugs are so helpful to me I am not sure he knows how much. Yes, I know, it’s been a long time. 23 years is a very long time. I am sure there are some out there, surely those that have never lost a child, that wonder “how long” this kind of grief lasts. Grief is a wild animal. We are all very familiar with losing grandparents or “older” relatives, we sort of expect it. I haven’t lost my parents yet, but I am sure I will be a total mess when I do. I know I will outlive them, I’ve always known it. I know that loss will be coming at someRead More →

As many bereaved moms know, the grief over the loss of our children is not something we can ever “let go”, “get over”, or “forget about it”. We understand that it may be uncomfortable for people when we mention their name, but the wrong response to hearing our child’s name is not one of these somewhat canned statements that pretty much tell us to stop talking about it. I could not forget holding my dead newborn if I tried, so to tell me his life was so unimportant that he should be forgotten it’s a horrible thing to say, no matter how well meaning or kind you tried to be while saying. It cannot be done, plain and simple. The truth is, this was not a minor event in my life. I did not lose a fish, or a precious handbag. My favorite piece of clothing did not get ripped. My diamondRead More →

I came across a short movie (23 minutes) the other day, produced by a UK charity called “Abigail Footsteps” called “The Deafening Silence” and I just cannot get it out of my head. I’ve seen other movies depicting… or trying to… show the emotion and devastation of stillbirth, and while they were mostly good, this one, in my humble view, is the BEST of the BEST. Of course, I am biased. You see, this particular movie, despite being filmed in a different country, depicts almost exactly my experience. There is so much in this movie I could relate to, it left me kind of speechless. With the sole exception of minor details, such as my mom being with me when the Doctor could not find the heartbeat rather than my husband, everything else was spot on. I was Louise. The Nurses were super-kind like hers were, the Doctor also did not say the wordRead More →

I made this video for my online “baby loss” support group 20 years ago. We all made videos to “swap around” with other grieving moms to help each other out. I put the highlights of my pregnancy with Alex, the delivery and the funeral and I put it to music. I am still not sure how I did that without a computer, but, alas. I’ve always been resourceful. That tape has been sitting around for 20 years and I never watched it again. Now that I am in the process of digitizing all sorts of VHS tapes for posterity I came across it and yesterday I was strong enough to do it. I still had to look away at some parts. I feel a lump in my throat that I can’t quite describe. It is what it is. I made this video public for the time being, but I knowRead More →

Twenty-one years ago the unthinkable happened to me. I was 9 months pregnant and on the day that I was due, I just couldn’t feel the baby move at all. The following morning, at the Doctor’s office, I was given the devastating news that there was no heartbeat. The baby had died inside of me. “Fetal Demise”, they called it, although I challenge any mom 9 months pregnant to think of her baby as a “fetus”. We named our baby Alexander and buried him about a week later amongst grief that is hard for me to even comprehend, let alone explain. Alex became part of our everyday life. I have photos throughout our house of him or of me holding him. There is an artist rendition on my wall. His actual foot and hand prints are hanging near family photos. There are tons of angels everywhere, even an angel “christmas tree”Read More →

I don’t talk much about Nicky’s big brother Alex in this blog. Alex is my first baby that was stillborn at full term in March 1995. I may not talk about him, but he’s always on my mind. His loss is something I will carry with me forever. His absence is felt, yet his presence is felt as well. It’s hard to really explain what your heart knows without a shadow of a doubt. I know a lot of people have doubts about the “afterlife”. Do our spirits survive physical death? What happens when we die? Most people do believe in heaven, but have a hard time believing in ghosts and supernatural things. It’s understandable. It’s creepy. But if Alex’s death has taught me anything is that our energy, our soul, survives. Too many things happened since his death that cannot be readily explained and are a little too coincidental.Read More →

My heartfelt book, Losing Alex, which I wrote after the loss of my first baby, Alex, who was stillborn at full term, is now officially an AudioBook and I couldn’t be more proud and humbled by the amazing voice of Marsha Waterbury, for lending her talents for my story. It’s available on Audible at this link. It’s also available on Amazon at this link. It is an Audible/Amazon exclusive, so it’s not available anywhere else. Thank you SO MUCH for your support and I do hope my story helps another bereaved mom out there… Remember, October is SIDS, Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. Love and Light,   Post Views: 570Read More →

I know everyone likes Amazon, but if you knew how big of a cut they get, you’d be surprised! Hence, unless you’re downloading the eBooks for the Kindle, the best deals can be found directly from the publisher. So, here’s the scoop on the best deals for my books! eBooks Kindle is the way to go for my eBooks! Living with Epidermolysis Bullosa & Special Mommy Chronicles are only $2.99!! Losing Alex is also $2.99 and for Prime Members you can borrow it for FREE! This is because it’s an Amazon exclusive! I also like to give this title away from time to time. Thousands of people have downloaded it for free since its release. I like to pay it forward and I know this is the one that most women that lost children can relate to. Butterfly Child-what can I say. This is my puppy. It took me 20 yearsRead More →