The last week of February is coming up, and it’s always a somber time for me. 26 years ago I was 30 years old and nearly 9 months pregnant. I was so happy!! The crib was ready, the diapers bought, and I couldn’t wait to meet my little treasure. A mere week later I was told there was no heartbeat and on March 1st I delivered my angel, stillborn. Every year at the end of February the tears flow. It’s not that I haven’t dealt with it or accepted it. I cry because he was my son and I miss everything we should have gone through together. My life was forever changed by his death.
After Alex died we hat to go through the obscene ritual of shipping for the right box in which to bury him. So, instead of a cute Disney Babies crib, he got a blue box to be placed in. It was surreal, to say the least.
I’ve been around the military most of my life, so I knew about PTSD, but it never occurred to me that there could be all kinds of battlefields in life. So many of us are scarred and suffering for years because we don’t know how to deal with the tragedies that life deals us. When Alex died I was a zombie for months. I learned the hard way that the world could be brutal and random. I realize now that when such an unbearable tragedy strikes, the shock produces a condition that helps to protect the mind and body. Nature wraps them in an invisible blanket to buffer the excruciating pain of losing a child so suddenly. It enables you to keep going, although you don’t always know how or why. It’s nature’s way and without it, I think you could die. But gradually, nature’s comforter wears off, and slowly but surely you become aware and learn how to deal and put things into prospective.
Alex was a beautiful creature who drifted into our lives and then went away again. I never thought that saying goodbye to my baby would haunt me like it did. His gift to me was motherhood. He taught me what a privilege it is to love someone more than you love yourself. He showed me that I was capable of sacrificing my own heart to protect my child. That was his gift to me so I could fight for Nicky.
Did I always want to be a mother? Absolutely yes. For me, getting married had always been a given. Growing up I saw my aunt, my dad’s sister, living single and I honestly didn’t like it, so I always expected to walk down the aisle someday. The same about having children, that was always a given. I never knew “how many”, and I often told my ex-husband “We’ll start with one and see how that goes”, never imagining how it really went. You know, never even remotely fearing stillbirth, miscarriage, or Epidermolysis Bullosa.
Since 2001 though I’ve been researching my spirituality and I am more certain than ever that when we die, it isn’t over. Not by a long shot. As a matter of fact, that’s our “real” home, the spiritual realm that awaits us. I remember clearly my first session with an amazing medium called Emma (she’s incredible) who told me that the person on the other side showing me the number 11 on the clock constantly was someone named “Alexander”. I melted. She knew nothing about me at all. Alex was no longer part of my physical world, but he was definitely here and helping me in his own way.
On March 1st, my Angel will turn 26 years old in Heaven. Happy Birthday my darling… we will see each other again someday (not soon-my work here is not done).
Love & Light,